Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Why I haven't been writing much lately

Yes, it has been over a month and a half since I posted here.  Actually, it's been a month and a half since I've posted at any of my blogs or have written much of anything.  I mistakenly thought the only advantage of being unemployed and moving across the country is that I would have lots of time to write.  While the time is there (sort of), the ability to write is not.

I've discovered something important about my ability to write.  I can only write when I am alone.  Unfortunately, my wife is a graduate student who is done taking classes, and therefore does 90% of her work from home.  This means that even though I have tons of spare time due to not working, I don't have the ability to write because I am never adequately alone.  (The only reason I'm able to write today because my wife is out of town.)

What is further frustrating is that my wife actually works better when she is out of the apartment.  She does better when she's away.  I do better when she's away.  Yet, for some reason I haven't figured out yet, she always stays at the apartment.

My wife has a lot of trouble getting out of bed in the morning.  I honestly haven't ever seen anything like it before, even with college students.  I literally bring breakfast and coffee to her in bed every morning in the hope that she'll actually wake up.  (And this is around 9:30 in the morning--otherwise she'll stay there until at least 11.)  Then she never has the energy to actually leave the apartment, even though I've told her numerous times that I need her to leave so I can do my work.

What further amazes me is that she gets upset with me that I haven't been doing much writing (and especially not the writing she wants me to do).  The reality is that I have to take the few times she is away to recover from her being there and do paid freelance and tutoring prep work so we can pay bills.  So, in reality, I was getting more writing done when I was working 65 hours per week with an abusive boss, being very active in my church, and had friends I spent some time with than now that I am married and working maybe 20 hours per week.

As you might be able to tell, I'm frustrated.  I love my wife, but pretty much every agreement we had made as far as time and space issues she has broken.  The aspie in me hates it when people violate agreements with me.

I could vent a lot more, but I have to go.  One of my wife's friends was supposed to pick something up from here an hour ago, but didn't show up.  I now have to take care of some errands that are clearly my wife's responsibility (dealing with her ridiculously expensive hobby) that she didn't get to before she left town because she had trouble getting up in the morning.  Maybe I can post to some of my other blogs this evening...


Anna said...

That sounds stressful. I have a few ideas, if that's okay.

I know it's not ideal, and maybe this wouldn't work for you, but if you have a car and a laptop available, maybe you could drive to a relatively empty parking lot and write on your laptop there. My house gets kind of noisy sometimes and I've realized that my car can be a good place to be alone.

I can think of a couple reasons (from my experiences) why it might be so hard for your wife to get up. My mom used to have an iron deficiency, and that can cause a lot of fatigue. It could be something medical like that. Or it could be depression.

There are a lot of changes for you, and you have addressed that with your wife, but there are also a lot of changes for her. Have you addressed that yet? Also, she might not know how to deal with the changes, even if you did talk about it together. This could contribute to depression and fatigue if she can't figure out how to make her life work with all the changes. When a person is depressed, it becomes hard to work up much energy to give to the things they care about and they begin to feel incapable of exerting that energy after a while. Which contributes to more depression. I speak only from my experiences on depression, though, and don't really know if it works the same for everyone. If it is something like this, it could explain why she's not devoting the energy to you (the person she cares about) and why she hasn't kept the agreements.

If you have medical insurance available, it could be helpful for your wife to see a doctor about any medical issues that could be causing the fatigue and to see a counselor about possible emotional/psychological difficulties she is experiencing with the changes. Maybe seeing a marriage counselor would be beneficial. I've heard that they are very helpful when couples have just started their marriage. I wouldn't know about that personally, though, since I'm not married.

I hope life starts to make a bit more sense for you soon! Ask for God's wisdom in the situation. I really like James 1:5-6. I'll say a prayer for you.

Intellectual Christian Geek said...

Hi Anna--Thank you for your thoughts. My wife does have depression and a large Vitamin D deficiency. She sees doctors and a therapist regularly. That still doesn't get her out of the house on a daily basis, though.

After much encouragement from her therapist and myself, she has agreed to be a teaching assistant this semester, which will force her to go to campus four days per week. I think having to leave will be good for her, but I'm not looking forward to her holding me responsible for getting her up and going every day. (One would think breakfast in bed almost every day would be enough...)

I've always been cautious about marriage counselors. We would need to find someone who was Christian, understood Aspieness, and understood depression with ADHD. If I can find that person, I'd be happy to go, but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

Things have been getting better, gradually. I will be teaching this semester, so I get the opportunity to have a reason to leave the apartment. Also, the fact that I know she is going to be gone for significant portions of the day so that I can do things like write is something to look forward to.

But it is all a very slow process and I am often frustrated by how long this "adjustment period" is taking--especially since I was thrust out of my life and dropped into hers.

I appreciate your prayers and I will continue to pray for wisdom.

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